When I was 32

When I was 32 my husband lost his job, and I lost my worldly security.
When I was 32 I watched my dear friends stop choosing one another and part in divorce.
When I was 32 I watched my dear younger sister go through a divorce with her husband and grieved the loss for their 5 children.
When I was 32 I mourned with a friend who couldn't get pregnant.  I shed tears with friends who lost babies.  I cried with friends who struggled to care for their families and who experienced depression in motherhood.  I faced marriages that struggled and fought to be restored.
When I was 32 I lost the depth in a lifelong friendship.
When I was 32 I felt lonely.
When I was 32 I watched the life of a dear friend wind down and be overtaken by cancer.  And I grieved her death and the loss for her three daughters and loving husband.
When I was 32 I learned of a dear old friend who took his life. And I am broken.
When I was 32 I was sad.

But, when I was 32 I learned who God is.  I learned He loves me in ways I never knew.  I learned His will for me is to live in dependence on Him alone.  I learned what it means when He says He is close to the brokenhearted.  I learned what it means to mourn with those who mourn.  And I learned the beauty in His plan for community.  I learned through watching my children what it means to have a life filled with joy.  I learned from my husband what love really is and how to trust in uncertainty.  I learned through running what it means to have perseverance and endurance--not just in exercise, but in all trials.  I learned that my God loves me with a wild, passionate and creative love.  And I am grateful.  For the sadness and despair.  For the grief.  I am thankful because God has drawn me near to Him and has never left me alone.  I will dwell in His shelter and rest in His shadow (Psalm 91:1).

if you really know me...

You know that I love nothing more than a cardigan.  Nothing.  I own too many and I promise I will buy more.  It's the first thing I look at on sale racks at the store and the first category I shop on any store website.

You know that I adore Starbucks.  I don't get to buy it very often, but the moments with a Starbucks cup in my hands are some of my treasured ones.  Always.  Part of it is linked to memories of my hubby working there (some great memories, it was a great place to work); part of it is linked to memories of sipping cups over good conversation and quiet moments pre-children when you can spend an hour or so at the coffee shop; part of it, in this stage of life, is the idea of a "selfish" moment just for me in the midst of the chaos that represents current times.

You know that I love jewelry.  Slightly obsessed.  I have a lot, but have also given a great deal of my pieces away.  I have moved on from trends to classics and, of course, this shift means I "need" to keep building my collection ; )

You know that Dairy Queen and I have a regular relationship.  Sometimes it's your standard Oreo, but often something a bit more quirky like Chocolate Explosion, or my most recent discovery Midnight Truffle.  Yum.

You know that I am a home-body who can be found most often curled up with my down blanket (another love of mine) regardless of the time of year.  Much to hubby's dismay I snuggle up with it even in the middle of summer.  I wish I read more books while curled up with it, because I love that too.  However, life doesn't allow for many quiet moments right now.

You know that I love my boys.  The biggest one, and the three little ones.  Love them.  And I cherish being the only girl among them.  We'll see if the little punkin cooking right now is another boy, or will join me in my girly-ness.

That's it.  But really, my mind is on the cardigans.  And how I should probably go check a few sites to see anything is on sale...

groceries

In 8 years of marriage, our grocery budget has never changed.  Never.  We are now + 3.5 kids and yet we've been spending the same amount on food as we did when it was just the two of us.  How have we done that??  Well, consider the following:  Kid #1 had a waffle, orange juice and a bowl of cheerios for breakfast today.  Kid #2 had a bowl of cheerios, orange juice and crackers w/ peanut butter.  Kid #3 had a bowl of cheerios, bowl of blueberries and 2 slices of colby-jack.  And a cup of milk.  It is Saturday morning and we have gone through essentially all the food I have in the entire house, including 4 gallons of milk this week.  So, this week we reconfigure and allow more money to be spent at the grocery store.  This is the week.  I am so excited to see what it feels like to not be scrounging around by Friday for what in the world we will eat through the weekend!  And just being perfectly honest, I need to get used to spending more cash on food.  I mean, realistically whatever dollar amount we increase it by now will be doubled if not tripled in the next couple years anyway!  Oy.

a change

Well, it was time for a change.  My hair has been growing for the last 2+ years.  I was growing it because I have never had it long before, but also because I thought I would like to donate it to Locks of Love whenever I cut it off.  Long hair with a baby in the hot summer finally caught up with me though, and I just needed it gone.  Hurst has used my hair as a balancing tool as he's learned to walk.  Whenever he feels himself faltering, he grabs onto it to steady himself, in the process ripping out handfulls.  Painful.  I had been wearing it in a pony tail almost every single day this summer because it was just too hot on my neck to deal with.  These were my major reasons for looking for something different.  So, cut time.  Sadly, it still wasn't quite long enough for the 10+ inches they need for a donation.  My sweet hairstylist just kept cutting and cutting, and we both would say "shorter" until we ended up with what I have now.  I love it!  I still think I will go shorter in the future, but this is great for now.  The boys (all 4) in my household are working to get used to it.  I think they all prefer it a bit longer, but mama likes it short and that's just what we're going with for now.  It really is fun to have something different, spunky and fresh!!

 

cool weather dreamin'

I do not want to wish the summer away.  I appreciate the sunshine that it brings and the green leaves and flowers.  Surely, there are many things to be thankful for.  However, it's mid-August now and I am ready to move on.  Ready for the humidity to pass and to start a new season.  My very favorite season.  Here are the things I'm dreaming about today....

...apple cider, pumpkins, changing leaves, leaf piles to jump in, metropark hiking spree hikes, jeans, sweaters, preschool, apple pies, soup, halloween, our anniversary, finding out our baby's gender, playing outside for more than half an hour at a time before everyone starts complaining of discomfort, bike rides, county fairs, new hobbies, mums, orchards (beckwith's!!)....

organizational quandaries

Here is the solution I have come up with in my house for little boy shoe organization:

And believe it or not, I actually do have enough shoes for 2 boys to fill this hanger.  There are 4 columns, but really just 2 since with each set of shoes there is a pair.  It hit me this morning as we prepared to go out to play for a bit, that now I have another walker.  Another boy who needs shoes. 

Oh, let's zoom in on those precious chubby feet...

Oh, those are precious!!  Anyway, back to the point... room for one shoe hanger, but now 3 walkers, and a 4th to add to the mix in really not that much longer.  Shoe hanger quandary.  What to do?  I imagine that this is one of the many many organizational difficulties I will face in a small house with many children!  However, I am the master of organization, so this challenge excites me.  Stay tuned for small house solutions!!

heartbeat

Today was my 12 week check-up at the OB.  I was so excited to go, knowing I would get to hear this baby's heartbeat.  We had seen it on our 6 week ultrasound, so I knew that the baby's heart was beating and that it was healthy, but there's something about hearing it that is such an intense reassurance that the baby is growing as it should.  So today was the day.  I think that no matter how many children I have, it will never get old to hear that heartbeat.  Every appointment I could just sit there and listen for moment after moment with a big goofy grin and a tear dripping down my cheek.  Every baby I have.  Every single appointment.  I have a new life growing inside of me.  God's creation.  He has entrusted me with this child, and I want to honor Him.  I cannot wait for 8 more weeks until we know His plan for completing our family, who He has hand-picked for us! 

summer treat

Do you have these?  I think you should.  It has been a great investment for this summer.  My boys love making and freezing their own popsicles.  It's been so fun to try all different kinds of juices too.  They dream up all kinds of ideas of flavors to try... still trying to figure out a way to make watermelon ones.  I want to try smoothie pops (with yogurt).  I hope you'll try!  Enjoy!

perfection

Can you think of anything better than an all-butter bakery croissant?  How about an all-butter bakery croissant deep fried and dipped in a sugar glaze?  Yeah, sounds about right to me.

the range of response

This morning was grocery shopping day.  Typically I do everything I can to avoid taking all 3 of my boys with me when I complete this weekly task, but there are some weeks where that just isn't an option.  My husband works a lot and needs rest and quite frankly I don't love giving up my weekend to do such a mundane activity or be away from my family on the only days we have all together. 

So, off the 4 of us went to Acme today.  Always when I have all 3 with me, I take the dreaded "car-cart."  Truly, it's pretty much like a small semi-truck, and I believe ought to require a special license (which I absolutely do not possess, running into displays and other carts on a regular basis).  The car-cart is the only thing that gets me by with the 2 older boys.  It gives them something to occupy all that energy.  Beeping the horns, "steering,"  acting as if they own the road (aka aisles) at the store.  So, on this day when I showed up at Acme... no car-carts.  None available.  Actually, if I had arrived 2 seconds earlier, we would have received the last one.  Sadly, as we approached the store we watched a mother with 2 children loading her kids into it.  I felt like screaming, "Wait!  I have 3!  My 3 trumps your 2!!  I'm the winner of the coveted car cart!!"  I restrained myself.  Next came the explanation to my boys about there not being one available.  Surprisingly today they took the news well.  Off to get a regular cart. 

So, I really wish I had taken a picture to share.  When I take a regular cart, please picture with me... baby in the baby seat.  One big boy hangs off one side of the cart, while the other balances the weight by hanging off the other side.  So we are like double the width that a grocery cart normally is, sometimes triple if the boys are leaning backwards banging into the aisle displays as they often do.  Also, no source of entertainment (no horns to beep, etc.)  In this void, as all you mothers out there can picture, the boys create something to entertain themselves.  Who can lean furthest back, who can yell the loudest, etc. etc.  Admittedly, we are a sight. 

Today happened to be a busy shopping day or at least busy shopping time, with lots of older folks stocking up for the week or month.  When out with my boys I receive a range of responses.  Many many smiles, nods of encouragement.  Some laughter and giggles.  This precious old couple was walking through the dairy aisle, him pushing the cart, her arm linked into his.  They approached me with big grins and she said, "Wow!  Three boys!  How did you get so lucky?!" without even a hint of sarcasm.  This made my day.  Truly.  That's about the most positive reaction I've received, ever.  Other responses today, "Oh dear.  School will be back in session soon."  I contained my desired response here and just said, "Yes, the house will be quieter then."  But by the time I got to the frozen section and a woman looked at me and shook her head and said, "Three boys.  I'm so sorry," full of disdain for my precious balls of energy, I could no longer be kind.  To her, I gave the needed response... a combo of "mind your own business" and "my children are blessings, not problems."

I choose to see my children as that precious older couple saw them... how in the world did I get so lucky to parent these three (soon 4) amazing blessings? 

current reading list

This summer has been full of reading for me.  Something I fully delight in and treasure.  These moments have to be stolen most of the time, and are few and far between.  But when I am really enjoying the book, I find myself carving out time to be alone, in the quiet with the chosen book open in my lap.  As I looked at this stack-- the stack of books I currently am rotating among, I realized that every one of them was recommended to me by someone I love, care for and respect.  Every one holds new ideas and challenges as well as pure enjoyment for me.  I thought I would pay it forward by sharing these ideas with the rest of you in case you're looking for something new to open and get lost in. 

A Circle of Quiet by Madeleine L'Engle... recommended by Tricia Williford.  I am discovering the voice of L'Engle for the first time and am most looking forward to the moments I have with this book right now.

Rewriting Your Emotional Script by Becky Harling... recommended by two dear friends, this is the book I am studying for my bible study group I am a part of.  Together with a group of other women we are looking into what messages are written on who we are and how we may have been shaped or changed based on life experiences. 

Loving the Little Years by Rachel Jankovic... recommended by Kim Mitchell.  This little book is a sweet escape when I have only a couple moments to spare.  It encourages and uplifts the value and importance of my current life stage, and helps me treasure the little lives I have been entrusted with. 

The Shack by Wm. Paul Young... recommended by my dad.  This book is challenging me in many ways.  Most of all it is making me think about God each moment of my day, and for that I am thankful.

Your Pregnancy and Childbirth: Month by Month... recommended by my OB/GYN.  And yes, that is a formal announcement that I am pregnant with our 4th child!  I mean, not a lot of new info on baby #4, but it's a good refresher course : )

Oh yeah, and by the way, if you gift a book to me and share kind words in a card, that is used throughout that book as my place keeper.  I love looking to those cards throughout my reading to be reminded of sweet friends. 

What are you reading?

how many nights?

How many nights before I can fall asleep without anxious memories of our experiences at the airport?  My heart rate speeds up and I start to sweat at the mere mention of the word "airplane."  Wow.  What a trip.  I can think of nothing in my 4.5 years of parenting that has been more stressful than what we went through twice in the past week or so.  My body is exhausted from the stress.  With each moment I am here in my home this week I am thankful to be home-- not traveling-- and specifically not trapped at an airport.  Vacations will surely come in the future, but I believe it will be many years before I feel confident entering an airport to board a plane.  Stories will follow as I process all we experienced.  Today, I am just thankful to be right where I am.

m.i.a.

Well, it has been brought to my attention that I have been MIA.  Literally, missing in action.  Missing because of the action around here might be a better description!  The never-ending, exhausting action!  I've checked in at just the right moment though.  We have plane tickets, leaving Sunday on a darn long plane ride to California.  Four tickets, 2 adults, 3 wild little boys.  I'm feeling outnumbered!  I feel like along with all the things I am bringing in hopes of entertaining my children, I also ought to bring goodie-bags for our fellow passengers who probably don't even like kids.  This trip promises to be full of stories to share.  And I'll do my best to record and report as many as I can.

Side note, today was Bennett's last day of his first year of preschool.  Wow.  That went fast.  What a wonderful year.  Honestly, making preschool a part of his life was one of the best parenting decisions we've made thus far.  What a year of growth and development.  Oh yeah, and he completed a project recently about his family on which he stated that both his mom and dad are 20 years old.  Nice.  I think I'll keep him. 

And before I sign off, while I look around my living room and catch sight of my 9 month old, the question I'm left with is... is chewing on blue chalk really going to hurt him?  Because he's so content right now. 

play

Today, I played with my kids.  I really played.  Laundry piled up.  The house was screaming to be cleaned . Groceries sat, waiting to be put away.  But we played.  I don't always do the best job at using every moment we have, but today I did.  We played, and I treasure every darn moment we had together. 

Hurston hanging out while the big boys play.

Painting lion figurines.

Clean-up in the tub.  First time all 3 boys were in together!

Bennett's new way of brushing his teeth.  Attach suction toothbrush to window... and brush.

Bedtime in their NEW bunk beds!!

a new vision

My heart has been "pitter-pattering" the past couple weeks over a new dream for our family.  Sometimes when life gets too mundane and focused on the daily grind, it helps to step back and take a look at a bigger picture.  Taking a moment to dream for our family excites me.  It helps establish goals and helps remind me of the things we value and desire.  This time, the dreaming is related to where we'd like to live and raise our family.  We very much live in the city right now on a lot that is mere steps away from the neighbors.  Our 6 1/2 years here have provided me with countless stories I could share about our "neighbor situations" as Allen and I call them.  We both desire to stretch our legs, breathe some fresh air, enjoy some privacy.  We want to send our kids outside to play and to actually have a place they can run and explore.  I want to sit on a porch in the morning and peacefully enjoy the sunrise.  I want to sit under the stars with my husband, holding hands and hear nothing but the crickets.  Our hearts crave the country.  We crave it for ourselves and we crave it for our boys.  It's something we've wanted forever, but we've just put it into thought and word now.  We've said it out loud-- "we want to move to the country."  And we mean it.

I want a big old farmhouse with creaky floors needing some TLC and full of projects for my husband.  I want big open rooms that are oozing with character from years and years of inhabitants.  I want a front porch, with a swing preferably.  I want no neighbors.  At least not ones I can see from my windows.  I want land.  Oh, how I want a place for my kids to be true boys, in every sense.  To get dirty discovering all God's earth has for them.

So, I'm warning you now, don't be surprised if we jump ship from this city life and find our true hearts' desire many miles from the lights of our city.  This is our prayer.

a fresh perspective

Last week I had a conference with Bennett's preschool teacher.  All the parents had conferences, not just me.  It was that time of the school year-- the time for a "progress report" for us parents who send our 4-year-olds every other day away from our homes into the care of someone else.  For some moms like me, this preschool experience is the first time their kiddos have spent time away.  Being a stay-at-home mom means, up to this point, there has been no need and no reason to be apart.  We've had a wonderful experience with preschool, and I would tell any mom out there that it is one of the best things we've ever done for Bennett.  I love watching him learn, grow and develop his personality and friendships.  On our end, we've loved it.  But we've never know what his teacher, Mrs. Davis, was thinking.  Or how Bennett was acting away from home.  I've wondered so many times how he handles himself when I'm not there.  I figured I'd have received a "report" by now if anything went terribly wrong.  No report. 

And so we've wondered, how's it going at school?  There's only so many answers you can get out of a 4-year-old.  Typically we know who the line leader was and what he ate for snack.  That's about it.  So, I was eagerly anticipating this conference day.  I couldn't wait to hear what Mrs. Davis had to say.  And she did not disappoint.  I sat and listened to all she had to say, starting with her comments about Bennett's smile (the kid does have a phenomenal smile), to her impressions of where he is academically (which involved his cutting and tracing skills), to what he enjoys playing with most (dinosaurs... shock... and dress-up clothes) and finally to his social interactions and personality (over which we laughed hysterically).  Seeing my son through someone else's eyes opened my mind to a whole new way of looking at him, and that was priceless for this stay-at-home mom who sometimes gets bogged down with the day-to-day.  I walked away with renewed love for my sweet boy.  I smiled all day over him, let him stay up late just because I wanted some one-on-one with him.  I thought many times that day and each day since-- this is a really cool kid.  And I am so very proud of him.

Refreshment and Reconnection

Last weekend I had such a special opportunity.  A wonderful friend came into town for a visit.  A friend who has meant so much to me and who I hadn't seen in 4 years.  We were both struck by just how much life can change in a short 4 years as we looked at our combined total 6 kids (almost 7-- Kim is pregnant with her 4th).  Callie and Bennett were just babies when Kim and Kevin moved away.  Now there are (in order here) Bennett, Callie, Solomon, Jack and Charlie (twins), Hurston and baby Mitchell #4 on the way.  That's quite a crew!  And quite a troop in our modest home for that matter.  Toys were spilled out, rooms torn apart, but I have not felt my home so filled with love in a long time.  The kids had a blast, and the moms and dads enjoyed some great conversation and connection.

Kim became a part of my life back in my Ryan Homes days.  For both of us it was a job that we lacked passion or excitement for, but it filled a need in our lives for a time.  I remember the day Kim started I found out she was a Christian, and we had an instant connection from that moment forward.  We were daily stuck in an environment full of people who openly believed differently from us and in a job where we were often made to feel inadequate and insecure.  But, we had each other.  That connection and our shared faith bonded us together in a way that has lasted many years.  In fact, our time living in the same city is much shorter than the time we have lived away from each other. 

God does some really amazing things in the lives of His children.  He brings them together to help uplift and support each other.  And when we pursue and invest in each other, the connection can last a lifetime.

I have the utmost respect and admiration for Kim and Kevin and their precious family,and I am thankful for the part He allows us to play in each others' lives-- especially across the years and over the miles. 

Women & Stress

"Stress should be an event, not a way of life."  So says Dr. Lichi, a respected psychologist at the Chapel.  He taught a class on "Women & Stress" one evening at church.  The room was packed of course, because aren't "women" and "stress" interchangeable words?  I have to admit, I was a bit skeptical about what a man could possibly teach a group of women about processing and dealing with this very familiar part of our lives.  But, then, maybe it takes a man-- someone who can step back and speak from a different perspective-- to offer new insight  And he did.  He encouraged us to establish goals-- goals that would help us process the events of our lives and helps us release the tension that inevitably forms.  He helped me remember to be involved in things that I love to do-- this blog is a direct result of his class.  And he helped me to remember that serving my husband, children and ultimately my Lord will keep my mindset clear.  "Stress should be an event, not a way of life."  I challenge you-- woman or man-- to think on that one a bit today.

Keeping that Chin Up

One more snowstorm.  This has to be it, right?  At least the last big one.  I have no problem with winter.  In fact, as a native Northeast Ohioan, I find myself thoroughly annoyed when others complain about our weather.  For the last 30 years of my life it's snowed buckets for 3-4 months every single winter.  How is it possible that people are somehow surprised by it?  So, a good December, January or February snowstorm is just part-and-parcel as far as I'm concerned. 

Technically this qualifies as a February snowstorm, but there's something about how March is totally on the horizon... 5 days away... and that darn tease of a warm-up we had a couple weeks ago (my poor crocuses popped up and are now buried under those mounds of snow) that makes this one seem especially challenging.  Maybe it's also the fact that I haven't left the house in 5 days.  Yep, 5.  Housebound.  That could drive any sane girl nuts. 

So, let's try to see something positive here.  For the sake of my sanity! 
Points to focus on as I'm stuck here at home for yet another day:

• I've gone the whole week without putting gas in my tank.  Saved us about $50 there!
• I've lived a quiet and unstressful week-- filled only with the demands of housework and children with no outside stressors. 
• This snow gives the boys one more (and this is it-- fingers crossed!) big snow to go sledding or play in.
• We've been kept safe from icy, dangerous roads.
• I've had all kinds of time to work on my huge basement project-- cleaning, organizing, purging.
• I have an excuse for yet another "movie day" with no guilt.

 I just need to keep repeating this mantra in my mind today-- the sun will shine again, the sun will shine again.

Potted Hyacinth

My birthday was last week.  My sweet husband did a wonderful job of making me feel special.  He's a good man.  Sometimes I doubt whether he'll come through in the way I think I want him to, but he always does.  Come through, that is.  It's most often not in the way I think I want him to.  That's really the joy of marriage though.  Having someone who knows you even better than you know yourself.

Among other birthday gifts, he brought home a potted hyacinth plant.  I've always wanted to grow hyacinths in our garden-- he knew that.  I could use something beautiful to cheer up the cold winter days-- he knew that too.  I wanted to feel feminine-- he brought me the quintessential feminine gift, flowers.   And he knows I hate throwing money away, so he brought something that I can enjoy today as it brightens my kitchen, and in years to come as it brightens our front garden.

That man knows his wife.  Because, in the end all I really want is to feel special.  And I did, and I do.  Thanks to that wonderful man who chose me.