When I was 32

When I was 32 my husband lost his job, and I lost my worldly security.
When I was 32 I watched my dear friends stop choosing one another and part in divorce.
When I was 32 I watched my dear younger sister go through a divorce with her husband and grieved the loss for their 5 children.
When I was 32 I mourned with a friend who couldn't get pregnant.  I shed tears with friends who lost babies.  I cried with friends who struggled to care for their families and who experienced depression in motherhood.  I faced marriages that struggled and fought to be restored.
When I was 32 I lost the depth in a lifelong friendship.
When I was 32 I felt lonely.
When I was 32 I watched the life of a dear friend wind down and be overtaken by cancer.  And I grieved her death and the loss for her three daughters and loving husband.
When I was 32 I learned of a dear old friend who took his life. And I am broken.
When I was 32 I was sad.

But, when I was 32 I learned who God is.  I learned He loves me in ways I never knew.  I learned His will for me is to live in dependence on Him alone.  I learned what it means when He says He is close to the brokenhearted.  I learned what it means to mourn with those who mourn.  And I learned the beauty in His plan for community.  I learned through watching my children what it means to have a life filled with joy.  I learned from my husband what love really is and how to trust in uncertainty.  I learned through running what it means to have perseverance and endurance--not just in exercise, but in all trials.  I learned that my God loves me with a wild, passionate and creative love.  And I am grateful.  For the sadness and despair.  For the grief.  I am thankful because God has drawn me near to Him and has never left me alone.  I will dwell in His shelter and rest in His shadow (Psalm 91:1).

if you really know me...

You know that I love nothing more than a cardigan.  Nothing.  I own too many and I promise I will buy more.  It's the first thing I look at on sale racks at the store and the first category I shop on any store website.

You know that I adore Starbucks.  I don't get to buy it very often, but the moments with a Starbucks cup in my hands are some of my treasured ones.  Always.  Part of it is linked to memories of my hubby working there (some great memories, it was a great place to work); part of it is linked to memories of sipping cups over good conversation and quiet moments pre-children when you can spend an hour or so at the coffee shop; part of it, in this stage of life, is the idea of a "selfish" moment just for me in the midst of the chaos that represents current times.

You know that I love jewelry.  Slightly obsessed.  I have a lot, but have also given a great deal of my pieces away.  I have moved on from trends to classics and, of course, this shift means I "need" to keep building my collection ; )

You know that Dairy Queen and I have a regular relationship.  Sometimes it's your standard Oreo, but often something a bit more quirky like Chocolate Explosion, or my most recent discovery Midnight Truffle.  Yum.

You know that I am a home-body who can be found most often curled up with my down blanket (another love of mine) regardless of the time of year.  Much to hubby's dismay I snuggle up with it even in the middle of summer.  I wish I read more books while curled up with it, because I love that too.  However, life doesn't allow for many quiet moments right now.

You know that I love my boys.  The biggest one, and the three little ones.  Love them.  And I cherish being the only girl among them.  We'll see if the little punkin cooking right now is another boy, or will join me in my girly-ness.

That's it.  But really, my mind is on the cardigans.  And how I should probably go check a few sites to see anything is on sale...

groceries

In 8 years of marriage, our grocery budget has never changed.  Never.  We are now + 3.5 kids and yet we've been spending the same amount on food as we did when it was just the two of us.  How have we done that??  Well, consider the following:  Kid #1 had a waffle, orange juice and a bowl of cheerios for breakfast today.  Kid #2 had a bowl of cheerios, orange juice and crackers w/ peanut butter.  Kid #3 had a bowl of cheerios, bowl of blueberries and 2 slices of colby-jack.  And a cup of milk.  It is Saturday morning and we have gone through essentially all the food I have in the entire house, including 4 gallons of milk this week.  So, this week we reconfigure and allow more money to be spent at the grocery store.  This is the week.  I am so excited to see what it feels like to not be scrounging around by Friday for what in the world we will eat through the weekend!  And just being perfectly honest, I need to get used to spending more cash on food.  I mean, realistically whatever dollar amount we increase it by now will be doubled if not tripled in the next couple years anyway!  Oy.

a change

Well, it was time for a change.  My hair has been growing for the last 2+ years.  I was growing it because I have never had it long before, but also because I thought I would like to donate it to Locks of Love whenever I cut it off.  Long hair with a baby in the hot summer finally caught up with me though, and I just needed it gone.  Hurst has used my hair as a balancing tool as he's learned to walk.  Whenever he feels himself faltering, he grabs onto it to steady himself, in the process ripping out handfulls.  Painful.  I had been wearing it in a pony tail almost every single day this summer because it was just too hot on my neck to deal with.  These were my major reasons for looking for something different.  So, cut time.  Sadly, it still wasn't quite long enough for the 10+ inches they need for a donation.  My sweet hairstylist just kept cutting and cutting, and we both would say "shorter" until we ended up with what I have now.  I love it!  I still think I will go shorter in the future, but this is great for now.  The boys (all 4) in my household are working to get used to it.  I think they all prefer it a bit longer, but mama likes it short and that's just what we're going with for now.  It really is fun to have something different, spunky and fresh!!

 

cool weather dreamin'

I do not want to wish the summer away.  I appreciate the sunshine that it brings and the green leaves and flowers.  Surely, there are many things to be thankful for.  However, it's mid-August now and I am ready to move on.  Ready for the humidity to pass and to start a new season.  My very favorite season.  Here are the things I'm dreaming about today....

...apple cider, pumpkins, changing leaves, leaf piles to jump in, metropark hiking spree hikes, jeans, sweaters, preschool, apple pies, soup, halloween, our anniversary, finding out our baby's gender, playing outside for more than half an hour at a time before everyone starts complaining of discomfort, bike rides, county fairs, new hobbies, mums, orchards (beckwith's!!)....

organizational quandaries

Here is the solution I have come up with in my house for little boy shoe organization:

And believe it or not, I actually do have enough shoes for 2 boys to fill this hanger.  There are 4 columns, but really just 2 since with each set of shoes there is a pair.  It hit me this morning as we prepared to go out to play for a bit, that now I have another walker.  Another boy who needs shoes. 

Oh, let's zoom in on those precious chubby feet...

Oh, those are precious!!  Anyway, back to the point... room for one shoe hanger, but now 3 walkers, and a 4th to add to the mix in really not that much longer.  Shoe hanger quandary.  What to do?  I imagine that this is one of the many many organizational difficulties I will face in a small house with many children!  However, I am the master of organization, so this challenge excites me.  Stay tuned for small house solutions!!

heartbeat

Today was my 12 week check-up at the OB.  I was so excited to go, knowing I would get to hear this baby's heartbeat.  We had seen it on our 6 week ultrasound, so I knew that the baby's heart was beating and that it was healthy, but there's something about hearing it that is such an intense reassurance that the baby is growing as it should.  So today was the day.  I think that no matter how many children I have, it will never get old to hear that heartbeat.  Every appointment I could just sit there and listen for moment after moment with a big goofy grin and a tear dripping down my cheek.  Every baby I have.  Every single appointment.  I have a new life growing inside of me.  God's creation.  He has entrusted me with this child, and I want to honor Him.  I cannot wait for 8 more weeks until we know His plan for completing our family, who He has hand-picked for us!